Walking with Ghosts

That's what friends are for

As I approach my 36th birthday, I am a bundle of mixed emotions. For the most part, I still believe I live a fairly charmed life. Sure, I am at the worst financial place I have ever been in my life. And yes, my former employer with whom I always thought I could count on for fall-back work now thinks I have a cocaine habit. And yes I did breakdown and file for unemployment this week. And no, I can't pay the majority of my bills right now.

Nonetheless, I am grateful for so many things. We still have roof over our heads. My wife is the most amazing woman on the planet. My family, as crazing and annoying as they can be at times, are still mine, we still all love each other, and I am grateful to have some of them so close to me. My dogs, although sometimes little money-pits with legs, are the sweetest and most loving creatures on the Earth, and they constantly remind me what really matters in life. And my friends... well, my friends are amazing. I am so blessed to have so many good, true blue, real friendships. Not just surface-level acquaintences crap, but real good friends you would give a kidney for. (But hey guys, maybe not right now if you can avoid it!)

So this one is for my friends, especially Krafty, Bean, Biff and Gigi, J&J, and Miss Juju.

If it be your will

Ok God. I give up. I had a fabulous round of interviews before Thanksgiving, but am still waiting to schedule a third that I thought would be scheduled yesterday. I am trying not to be impatient, but in the meantime I have been trying to make ends meet by working for former employer part-time. That was going well before the holiday, except that stupid manager had terminated me instead of put in leave of absence paperwork. So I had to fill out all paperwork again, and take another drug test. So I come home Sunday and call for my schedule, only to learn I am not scheduled because they think I am a cocaine user. @$#!@#$@!%&#!

According to state law, my option is to have the lab retest a portion of the sample that tested positive with GC/MS instead of ELISA. Ok, that would be fine if I had done anything that would have generated a false positive in the first place. Like drink tonic water, take amoxicillin, have diabetes, kidney or liver disease. But unless I am actually sick and don't know it, this is not the case.

The test was an Oral Fluid test, and the oral fluid pad collector stick is not actually labeled with any identifying information. So I am a little concerned that perhaps the lab has my sample mixed up with someone else's. The initial test and a retest goes on your medical record. This is a MAJOR problem. And so now I am asking former supervisors for details on the QC at the testing lab before I submit that sample to a retest... and pointing out that I have at least 5 former drug tests on file with them, all clean. Pointing out that if diabetes causes a false positive for cocaine, then every fat person who applys for a job with them could theoretically be screened out.

I would like to just pay for another test... and if I screen positive for that, then off to the doctor I would go.

Headhunters

I am very weary of the headhunters that keep contacting me without having completely reviewed my resume. They keep wanting me to interview for jobs that I have a) no background in, or b) no interest in. Those that have reviewed the resume in full want to 'process' it to include things you didn't put on it in the first place because they never happened. Is this the way you have to find a job these days? By letting unscrupulous idiots do your negotiating? There is something very wrong with corporations that have to hire this way.

On a positive note, on to interview stage 2 with potential local employer. Got that all on my own- the way it should be.

Home Sweet Home

So I have been home just shy of a week now. It is so good to be home. My own bed, complete with lovely wife, aaaahhhhh! And of course my pups- how I have missed them! So far I have unpacked, cleaned, done yard work, cleaned some more, transferred summer to winter closets, etc.

This weekend I got to get out to see the opera- by far GOC's best show yet. A wonderful cast and the orchestra was excellent too. The cast party was also fun... the principles were all great people, although I couldn't decide if the Duke was more entertaining in character or as his flaming queen self! On Saturday I got to see some old friends from graduate school. We met up at the Mushroom and then meandered to my house to empty a big bottle of wine. It was so good to see them. They all look so much better now that they are out (or nearly out) of school and have lives of their own again. Although I do worrying about Flying Mammal, as he is a slave to his job, and that seems to be his whole life. It is wearing on him....

I have some more housework to finish today, and lots of paperwork to do, and am expecting two calls to schedule interviews. That is good news. Let's keep the fingers crossed that they result in job offers (yes plural- b/c choice is a good thing). The evening will end on a high note- because I finally get to see my husband tonight after his pottery class. Yippy!

The Sun Sets on Ocracoke

It's been awhile since I've posted anything of substance. The last few days have been nothing but muggy weather and TONS of rain. Monday is my last day on Ocracoke. I return home to my beautiful city on Tuesday and I cannot wait! I am sick of water. Very sick of sand. And I absolutely despise mosquitos. Thanks to those little bastards I look like I have MRSA or something from the knees down. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, in my own house, with my fabulous wife, and my wonderful dogs. And I get to see my family!

Wow... I feel like I have been here forever. It has been good, but mostly I just want to be home. This has been a trip mostly of necessity for me... and yes I still need the money, as I am returning without a job, but more than ever, my most pressing need is to be at home, and I will make my way from there. Somehow. I was contacted by a headhunter yesterday- he has a job for me in Minnesota, or Texas... good thing I'm not paying him. Hopefully something will give soon at home.

My sea-oats have been sown. I long for the Piedmont, for tall trees, for fall leaves, for splitting wood for the winter. For a raging fire in the fireplace... coco and soon, Christmas carols with friends.

It ain't easy being green

America's #1 Beach... is mine

Dancing in September

Wow. It has been a long time since my last post. Things have been going well... just working away at the beach and enjoying my surroundings. Tropical Storm Gabrielle came and went with little to show for herself but wind and some storm surge.

The night before she hit I got to release turtle hatchlings with the park service. That was a very cool experience. I was really impressed with how quickly the little hatchlings could move, and even more impressed that they all march off to the ocean oblivious to the reality that only 1 in 1000 will survive to adulthood. Off they went, searching for the sea and hoping to hit the Gulf Stream or the Labrador Current. If a female is the lucky one, 25 years from now she will return to this island and lay her eggs, assuming she has had some rough turtle nooky in the ocean. (The ranger said turtle sex was kind of rough...I'm not sure I want to know how they know this.) But will there be enough male turtles to keep the species alive? Cool turtle factoid #3: gender of the hatchlings is dependent on the average temperature of the nest during incubation. Over 80 some degrees and they are all females, under a certain temp. all males, between these two temps you have a mix of males and females. Hmmm... so is global warming influencing the population of sea turtles?
Besides working and going to the beach, I have been applying for jobs online. I went home this week for an interview on Wednesday. I think I will get the job... the offer should come next week. It is not a science job, but it is a pretty nice fit for me, and I will learn some new skills. I'd get to work out of my house, and travel is about 40-50% of my time. Luckily the territory is small, so the travel is almost all local. So we'll see what happens next week. If I get the offer, I will probably take it and go home after Columbus Day weekend. If I don't get the job, I will stay here through October, possibly through November, and continue to look for more permanent work at home. I'm not stressing about it anymore... I am pretty much convinced that everything is happening as it should.

When I am not working or on the beach, I usually go down to the harbor, or into the woods for a hike. The mosquitos have come back with a vengence since the rains though, so I haven't been to the woods since the 9th, the morning of Gabrielle. Take a look:

Blessings

It was a great evening at the beach yesterday...

I actually saw fish jump out of the water in the shallows as the tide came in.

I ran the beach until I came upon turtle nests I could not cross, and the tide would not let me pass without swimming.

Going back tonight for a bit...

It is cool enough to run in the evening without getting hot. And the water is still very warm. It will be a great fall in North Carolina... my favorite season, and I love it all over this fine state!

Full Moon Rising

Since I get sunsick, I prefer the beach at night.

The Island Life

So I made it to the beach... but Mapquest sucks bigtime. My driving directions from home to Swan Quarter were perfect turn-by-turn directions to Cedar Island. Unfortunately I didn't realize this until I saw my first NC Ferry System sign, for Cedar Island... and as I was about 150 miles away from Swan Quarter there was no way I would make the 4pm ferry. Luckily for me Cedar Island had a 6pm ferry and I got on that.

So I got in late my first night, but I got in nonetheless. Then I went to the little camper I am staying in, which seemed cozy enough, until I awoke at 1:00am from Invasion of the Cockroaches. After almost vomiting, crying, and having a general panic attack... I called my wife who gave me some good advice- I grabbed my pillow and ran to the car. There in 98 degree heat, I slept restlessly as the feral cats of the Ocracoke jumped onto and off of my car throughout the night.

The next day I set off a roach bomb and released and entire can of roach killer into various cracks and crevices around the floors, ceiling, etc. At lunch I came back from work to find many bugs in their death throw. I swept up and set off another bomb. After work I opened up all the windows and went and slept at a friends place for the night.... The next day I went back to the camper and washed the floors, the counters, all my linens, etc. and settled in for the night. I am happy to say the only intruders last night were the 'no-see-ems' -- little tiny invisible biting bugs which were happy to invade the camper while I was airing it out. But this was really not too bad, and I think they probably died during the day today,as I closed it all up and turned the AC off. So unless they can survive 100+ degrees for hours on end with nothing to feed on, they should be dead.

Work is good, the beach is beautiful. I prefer the mountains for vacation and the comforts of home, but beggars can't be choosey.

Change is the only constant

So I am going to the beach next week to work. Seems like the only jobs available to me these days are folding T-shirts and helping tourists spend money on them. This is OK though. What is not terribly OK to me is that this job will pay more than the lab tech job I was offered. What is wrong with the world?

I will be at the beach until at least October 9th... hopefully by the fall some interviews will start happening for the science or sales jobs of my dreams... note to the Universe: my dreams include a fat paycheck.

I am simultaneously excited and sad about going to the beach. The thought of being away from my wife, my dogs, my home, my friends, my family,.... I don't like it. At the same time, the thought of being away from my wife, my dogs, my home, my friends, my family.... I like it. Ugh. I think this is a sure sign I need some time to myself. Maybe I will be able to break free of my Panda Stage while I am there. I will have to, since I will be working. What is the Panda Stage? My current apparent need for 10-13 hours of sleep, after which my waking hours are spent eating. Not bamboo mind you, but I am seriously such a pig lately that I probably could eat bamboo and enjoy it.

I worked out last week. Whoo-hoo. It was a damn week ago! At the time I seemed motivated to keep it up.... The weirdest thing is I don't feel particularly sad or depressed. I am just so fucking tired. How long does it take to make up a sleep debt? http://www.sleepquest.com/d_column_archive6.html

According to this guy, it is just like a financial debt, and it isn't gone until it is all repaid. That being said, I was in school for 5.5 years. For the last 4 years, I got less anywhere from 5 to 7 hours of sleep on average, and for several months at a time (at least two, 3 month stretches) I got about 4 hours a night on average. I would say that I need 8.5 hours of sleep to feel good. So for 42 months, I got on average let's say 6 hours of sleep, a shortfall of 2.5 hours. And for 6 months I got about 4 hours of sleep, a shortfall of 4.5 hours. So I have 1260 days x 2.5 hours, plus 180 days x 4 hours. That is 3150 + 810= 4680 hours of debt. If I could just sleep it all through, it would be about 195 days of constant sleep. But let's say I am going to keep up the Panda stage of at least 12 hours of sleep a night, which I have been doing pretty regularly since July 15th., or about a month. 4680/12= 390- 30= 360.

So I have just about a year left of getting 12 hours of sleep EVERY NIGHT, until I feel normal again. Jesus, that is sad. No wonder most people would rather blame chronic fatigue, or Lyme Disease, or anything else they might be able to treat with drugs. Me? I think I will put some of the blame on the Bad Ozone Days. I have had to hit my inhaler more than I care too during these weeks of heat and haze. The really scary part is that I wasn't doing anything strenuous... and yet I was wheezy and coughing. Again I ask, what is wrong with the world?

Hopefully I will breathe easier here:

Looks like I will need to be in bed by 7-8pm everynight. Yipes!

Check this out

Things I almost became...

Blahs

NY was pretty good. The wedding was beautiful. I like my new niece... she seems perfect for my nephew. Got to visit with friends in Brooklyn, go to the Central Park Zoo, hang with family. Unfortunately my family is still crazy. It is too difficult sometimes to coordinate my family; fights ensued over time-management or lack thereof, over passive-aggressive bullshit.

I enjoyed the visit yet am weary. And I still don't have a job so I feel like a big loser. Off to cut the lawn, I need to do something to make myself useful.

Waiting for the Other Shoe

I don't feel especially grand today, which is odd considering I am done with school. Thesis approved, all moved out, graduating officially next month. Maybe this is the anticlimatic lethargy people talk about, but I have this strange feeling it is something else, something more. Perhaps I have been reading too much Harry Potter... which is excellent by the way... I want to be reading now and finish it today, but alas I have too much to get done before tomorrow's departure for NY.

Anyway... I have this strange feeling. The Great Oz has been all accommodating this week, odd in itself, but then again Oz wants to see me gone as much as I wanted to leave, so maybe not so strange. I keep having reoccuring dreams or portions of dreams that involve aspects of school... occassional brushes with Oz, standing ten feet or so down the hall from Man Purse, he is silent and turns away quickly- a scene I have come to know as his typical behavior over the last year. Why didn't I recognize that earlier as an indication of a problem? This strange feeling... that something significant is going to shift at school... is this just my feelings of loss and anger surfacing?

I do feel a lot of mixed emotions, especially regarding Man Purse. I oscillate between wanting to kick his ass, feeling betrayed and lied to, and feeling sad about the loss of someone I had considered a friend. This has never happened to me before. I am not the type that loses friends. It is such as strange thing that I simply don't know what to do with it, and I feel so helpless, as if there is nothing that can be done. And there isn't really.... Man Purse made his decisions... he told me recently "I don't think you appreciate the position I was in, it is not as if I couldn't have a job"... and "I just don't think we can work together."

Well clearly we can't be friends either, as he has not maintained either a personal or professional relationship. He ended both, and when I tried to maintain either he would just push me away. So, I guess it is just over. I will never understand what exactly made him think that he could not have a job and be a friend. It seems as though the Great Oz probably threatened his position should he not dish on my shortcomings ... and this was more important to him than our friendship. I know he would say that he tried to explain these things numerous times before, that I left him no choice as I never changed my behavior.

Is that a weakness or a shortcoming? Perhaps it is arrogant of me, but it just got to the point that I realized I was unwilling and unable to mold myself into the puppet Oz needed to reflect her sense of grandure.

Aah. Anyway... today I should contact The Needy Offer. I have not posted much about this, but The Needy Offer is the scientist I interviewed with for a lab job. I thought maybe he was Glinda the Good Witch, but I don't think so. I was offered the job (and it's pathetic rate of pay) as well as an opportunity to come be his Ph.D. student. Initially I was so estatic - I was very excited and wanted to do it. But then I did a little digging. Spoke with former students, current students, former employees. Red flags here and there. Then the warnings from Weasley... to be cautious, that I was a little too burnt out right now he thought... wait until January if I could.

Then I requested advice from Tony the Tiger, who refused to answer direct questions out of a conflict of interest. What the fuck! Another red flag... something was not right about this it seemed.

I do feel a little mixed about declining the offer to come be his student. It is a great opportunity. It is not everyday that one leaves a Ph.D. program after 5.5 years only to be offered a spot in another one, at a more prestigous institution. But in reflecting on it over the last few weeks, and I've decided that he needs me more than I need him. Thus The Needy Offer. I have been told I am the best candidate for the job and for a student slot. His RO1 was awarded in April... little progress has been made on it thus far as far as I can tell.

I am too exhausted to start school again on August 7th. I've spent the whole summer writing, defending, revising. I was just officially signed off on this week for God's sake! As the start date comes closer and closer, I get less and less excited about it. Nauseated even. This is not the way to start a program, especially one that will have as much pressure as this would undoubtedly have. Ugh. I feel a little mixed because I am dealing with the feelings of letting people down a little in admitting I don't want this. And of course that makes me ask myself how much my fatigue, and the continued beatings under Oz has to do with it, or if I just don't want it, didn't want it.,..and so were my beatings under Oz justified? Is that the other shoe?

Ugh. I don't really know what I want anymore. I may be going away after I return from NY... to the island for the rest of the season... to be alone, to work, to hopefully to find myself again.

Go forth on your path, as it exists only through your walking.

Celebrating my Independence Early

I passed. The oral was a surreal journey. My committee members asked me no hard questions. They imparted lots of wisdom. They referred to me as their child. They told me to live long and prosper. They took a few stabs at the Great Oz.

Some written revisions are needed to the final thesis. I was going to start those today, but I have other plans...

Who wouldn't want to go take the GRE again two days post-defense? It's a long story that will soon be posted... but I have been rescued by Glinda. And there is no place like home.

This makes me laugh

i am the bunny... and this cracks me up

Angst

Thesis approved for defense in a week. Yeah. And ugh. And oh... why such anxiety? Perhaps its that today I just feel like this was a gigantic expensive distraction from my long term goals. Ugh. Barf.

Job search extended

It has been a rough time since the last post. The thesis went through various revisions before the Great Oz would even accept it. Even now, I am not entirely sure it was accepted...haven't heard back since Friday mornings submission. Lack of sleep makes me ill. Vomiting after staying up all night is no fun.

So I had a wonderful interview for a super cool academic research position. Unfortunately it pays very little. Nearly $20K less than what I made prior graduate school. Ugh. But I would do it for a few years I think... the PI is amazing. The interivew was a surreal 3.5 hour journey through his work, my graduate experience, my weaknesses, his desire for me to have a Ph.D. because he thought I deserved one... that was nice. He said from where he sat he thought I did not receive enough of the right kind of guidance.... Anyway, I think I could learn a lot in the position, and it is a great position really. A rare opportunity. I should hear within another week or so.

I also applied for several other academic jobs- project management jobs. Haven't had any interivew for those yet...

And more industry jobs... it would be nice to get an interview industry. I am starting to feel a little desparate... like this changing career idea was completely stupid. I got my last paycheck from the University last week.

Yipes.

Beating the Monster

Accepting Donations

When it rains it pours. Last evening, after driving into campus to attend a workshop that I really didn't need to attend, my good car decided to act up. as I rounded the corner to leave school, it suddenly sounded like I had run over a bicycle and decided to drag it home. The check engine light came on, the engine shook. I got out and looked under the car- nothing was there.
I made it to the mechanic which is just a few blocks from campus...but the bad news is it is still there... and he thinks it could be a costly repair. I should hear from him later today.

So I am reading while I await that call, and I am still waiting on the plumbers to show up this morning! They have yet to arrive to fix the main drain line in the house. A most costly repair...
Ugh.

I am accepting donations from anyone in the Universe feeling generous. Any contributions must bet a donation, not a loan. I am maxed out on loans. Ok... I realize I probably won't get any, but I thought I'd put it out there anyway.