Sunday, March 18, 2012
I forgot to mention
I think I accomplished yet another micro-tear of my previously injured hamstring last week. Perhaps I should have had the surgery.
I've lost my mind
It took me weeks to figure out how to reset this account and be able to sign in again. I think I am just not cut out for this digital age, where everything is online and everything is password protected, and nothing is supposed to match less you leave yourself open to identity theft.
Today is a shitty day. I've tried to stay in a place of faith, in a place of hope, but today is just not working. Angelica would have been 7 months old this past week. Seven months... starting finger foods, navigating a sippy cup, playing hide and seek with her toys, knowing that the jack in the box will pop up a the end of the song, but still finding it hilariously funny every time.
The past month has been a shitty month. I have been absolutely crushed at work with responsibility, not the least of which is managing two new reports- one that needs no managing at all, and one that is challenging to say the least. My team's dynamic is changing, and I'm trying to stay in a place of calm, but the entire apple cart is sort of hobbling along bringing the challenging one up to speed, which seems to be a task I am just not cut out for... I haven't the patience or the interest in managing someone older than me, someone with theoretically more experience... from my perspective they should get it already. I am resentful at my boss for pushing this hire while I was out on leave. It should have been my decision on who and when someone else was brought on to my team. The only human being I wanted to be responsible for now was my daughter, and I didn't even get the chance. There are days I simply want to walk away and never go back to work... but I need this job, we need this job. For the money, the insurance, etc., etc. etc...
Yesterday I took my niece to her voice recital. It was sweet,and she was lovely. But there are only so many hours I can stand right now of watching other people's adorable children. I don't spite them, and I am not bitter with them for having their kids, I just can't take it sometimes. Today in church I just sat there and cried. Through the whole entire service.
I never expected to be here like this. My life feels like a treadmill. I am exhausted, but nothing ever changes. And it all still feels like a nightmare I just keep having over and over. We start group therapy with other parents of stillbirths or infant loss later this week. I'm not sure it will help, but at least we won't feel so completely alone.
Today is a shitty day. I've tried to stay in a place of faith, in a place of hope, but today is just not working. Angelica would have been 7 months old this past week. Seven months... starting finger foods, navigating a sippy cup, playing hide and seek with her toys, knowing that the jack in the box will pop up a the end of the song, but still finding it hilariously funny every time.
The past month has been a shitty month. I have been absolutely crushed at work with responsibility, not the least of which is managing two new reports- one that needs no managing at all, and one that is challenging to say the least. My team's dynamic is changing, and I'm trying to stay in a place of calm, but the entire apple cart is sort of hobbling along bringing the challenging one up to speed, which seems to be a task I am just not cut out for... I haven't the patience or the interest in managing someone older than me, someone with theoretically more experience... from my perspective they should get it already. I am resentful at my boss for pushing this hire while I was out on leave. It should have been my decision on who and when someone else was brought on to my team. The only human being I wanted to be responsible for now was my daughter, and I didn't even get the chance. There are days I simply want to walk away and never go back to work... but I need this job, we need this job. For the money, the insurance, etc., etc. etc...
Yesterday I took my niece to her voice recital. It was sweet,and she was lovely. But there are only so many hours I can stand right now of watching other people's adorable children. I don't spite them, and I am not bitter with them for having their kids, I just can't take it sometimes. Today in church I just sat there and cried. Through the whole entire service.
I never expected to be here like this. My life feels like a treadmill. I am exhausted, but nothing ever changes. And it all still feels like a nightmare I just keep having over and over. We start group therapy with other parents of stillbirths or infant loss later this week. I'm not sure it will help, but at least we won't feel so completely alone.
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