Skippy's Do-Da

Pieces of A House

2012-01-16T22:18:00.002-05:00

It is falling apart piece by piece
Window glass comes undone
and shatters to the ground
to startle a goose into
the pond. I hold my breath.

Shutters hold on crookedly
before finally giving way
to a strong breeze or perhaps
many fell to that once in a century
Appalachian earthquake

Paint peels,slate shingle fall
but she is no worse
for this weathered wear

A mysterious air
Still surrounded her.

Yet the aggressive protection
was all but gone
replaced by a broken
resignation
of defeat
that echoed an almost
audible lament

Without fear, I remove 12 screws
Hinges, and a panel serving as a door
And crawled into the belly of the beast
that has haunted me for all these years

The inside shocked and cries
its own broken heart story

Panel by panel, removed from the pilings
Broken ornaments crushed underfoot
Remnants of 1960's tree stylings

Copper removed by plan or by plunder?
Why all this effort, for these pieces I wonder?
Over a decade of slow decay
And bit by bit removals

A house slowly being buried
By a million little funerals

Places I Miss

2011-12-20T23:28:00.001-05:00

Time Passing and the Voice of God

2011-12-20T20:22:00.004-05:00

It dawned on me the other day while talking to a friend that I rarely post on this here blog anymore. Perhaps that had been a sign of contentment...since most of my previous posts were full of angst. I went through many months of more than contentment, more like total bliss.

But my recent human condition has been one of such real trauma and sadness that I am unable to complain about it. I guess it is the reality of true loss that silences the angst of less scaring issues.

The bluebirds of Thanksgiving in 2010 were posted to mark my partners pregnancy. In August we lost our baby to the unknown devastation of a full-term stillbirth. I lost my Mother, my Father, and now my first born daughter. What more does the Universe want from me?

When I was handed our daughter by the nurse, everything faded away, all light, all sound, all physical space. I was standing there in the dark holding her and was told "This is Angelica" by a voice older than the Earth itself, more calming than I would have ever expected, and oddly more comforting in that moment that I sometimes care to admit to. It is easier to be angry and angst-ridden sometimes.

Perhaps what the Universe wants from me is to stay in that place of faith.

Aftermath

2011-03-14T22:57:00.003-04:00

I learnt to write to you in happier days,

And every letter was a piece i chipped

from off my heart, a fragment newly clipped

From the mosaic of life; its blues and grays,

Its throbbing reds, I gave to earn your praise.

To make pavement for your feet I stripped

My soul for you to walk upon, and slipped

Beneath your steps to soften all your ways.

But now my letters are like blossoms pale

We strew upon a grave with hopeless tears.

I ask no recompense, I shall not fail

Although you do not heed; the long, sad years

Still pass, and I still scatter flowers frail,

And whisper words of love which no one hears.

- Amy Lowell

Crotchety

2011-01-31T20:01:00.002-05:00

Perhaps it is because I am nearly two months into my 40^th year on Earth, but I really feel crotchety lately. Maybe it is just because I give far too much of myself away everyday in my work, too much of my time, both on an hourly “this is not my job” perspective and just in general in that we spend too much time at work. Which translates as too much of my life is given to work.

But on a daily basis, I don’t think it would be so bad if people could manage to think on their own. I have come to be the sought after opinion it seems- and I’m not sure why. Eighty percent of the time I want to say to my peers, “I don’t care. Why don’t you take a deep breath and figure this out yourself, Einstein?” But I don’t. That would be rude. I guess it is in part because I am the most senior among them. Yet at the same time, they tend to question my experience. Par for the course among the younger generations I guess… and I suppose good practice for parenting.

My poor children… I kind of relish the day I get to say: “Because I said so, that’s why!” and that is what sticks. You can’t get away with that at work!

Thanksgiving Birds of 2010

2010-11-23T06:12:00.002-05:00

No...we are not going to eat them.

5,4,3,2,1

2010-10-19T19:41:00.002-04:00

5 Songs in My Head at Any Given Time
1) Shadows of the Night- Pat Benatar
2) Pink Houses- John Cougar Mellencamp
3) The Sound of Music- Rodgers and Hammerstein
4) If it Be Your Will- Leonard Cohen
5) O mio babbino caro-Gianni Schicchi

4 Movies that I can Watch Every Year
1) The Philadelphia Story
2) Fried Green Tomatoes
3) Best in Show
4) American Beauty

3 Places I Miss Living In from Time to Time
1) Boston, MA
2) Ashland, OR
3) Ocracoke, NC

2 Places I want to Live Someday, at least for awhile
1) Italy
2) Peru

The One Thing I Miss Most
1) My Mom

SPIN SPIN SPIN

2010-10-18T19:56:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I decided I was going to attempt the entire 60 minute SPIN class. The Sunday class is for the old, fat, and/or injured... while I have managed to pick up at least 5 of the pounds I lost before the hamstring tear, I think I mostly qualified for the class as being one of the injured.

But here is the good news... I did the whole class. Sure I did it with very little tension on the fly wheel, and no I didn't push myself to an aerobic heart rate. It was just a good fat burn intensity... but I made it through the entire class without any pain.

I made sure to ice last night and I took plenty of Advil and 1/2 a muscle relaxer. But this morning at 5am the gym called again without pain. Yeah! Weak but not in pain... and seriously more flexible on the injured side than the healthy this morning. That could be a sign I was overcompensating on the right, but I tried to be very mindful of that on Sunday.

So my goal now is to do it at least once more this week. I might go to my regular Wednesday class!

The Digital Age and Sounding Like My Parents

2010-10-13T20:07:00.003-04:00

I've been a bit overwhelmed by technology lately.

First, my laptop became horrendously infected with all sorts of viruses and worms and scary things. It had been running fine for years, but started acting really poorly after a friend used it to check their email. They happened to download some stupid photo presentation in PowerPoint without asking me, even saved it to my desktop. While this might be a coincidence, my machine went to the bad within a day of the addition of this file to my desktop. I had the entire thing swept up and cleaned- and the dude removed a small arsenal of malicious crapola... but then my hard drive completely died. And I lost everything.

So, here I am with a new hard drive, slowly rebuilding all my contacts, etc., mourning the fact that I hadn't backed up to my external drive in far too long and lost a ton of data. But all replaceable stuff- just a matter of starting over.

Like many people today, I was still using Facebook. And then something weird happened- I was working on a budget spreadsheet when Excel tried to access the internet- to go to Facebook. Thankfully my new firewall alerted me to this fact, but I was like, "WTF? Why would Excel need to go to Facebook?" So I quit... deleted my Facebook account and decided I managed to get by for 37 years without it before, so who needed it? And like Betty White said on SNL- it really is a colossal waste of time. My favorite part of Facebook was really Bejeweled Blitz, so I splurged and bought a copy.

For the computer geeks out there that may have something to say about this, let me know. My machine seems to be fine now, and as far as all my nifty new security programs can tell, I am handling threats well. A new and better encrypted router helped as well, but I tell ya, one more stupid series of crap like this and I will be tempted to drop off the internet entirely, move to a remote cabin in the wilderness, and hunt my own food.

I remember arguing with my statistics professor in undergrad about getting an University provided email account. This was back in the 90's...I didn't want one, and she required it for her class. I told her it was the beginning of the end of normal communication, that it would lead to a new generation of people that had no ability to talk on the phone, have a normal face to face conversation, and who found lying to be an extremely easy thing to do. It would lead to a decay of moral fiber I argued- and I wanted none of it. I felt the same way about cell phones that could 'text'.

I have several young friends, in their 20's. Many of them lack a solid moral compass, yet this is in part a function of youth. But nearly all of them have no ability to talk on the phone, have a normal face to face conversation, and find lying to be an extremely easy thing to do.

As we plan having kids of our own, I can only imagine the how much I am going to sound like my parents in the coming years.

Oh How I Will Miss This One

2010-10-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

http://hoydenabouttown.com/20101010.8827/bitch-phd-closes-down/

Hammy with a Side of Eggs

2010-09-23T23:34:00.003-04:00

So it has been six weeks since I tore my medial hamstring. Today in PT I realized that the improvement to leg curls that I had made a few weeks ago was really a bit of a sham... I am pronating so the lateral is doing most of the work. Which explains why it is so damn sore and tight.

So foot straight and in proper form... I can't do a leg curl yet from the flat position. You get me started though and I can keep it up. But it is really hard. Ugh. Ice, Advil, a muscle relaxer and I am going to bed soon. This is a long friggin' haul. It's a roller coaster really, and the emotions that go with it are even more intense. The other day I tried (without thinking) to run across the street before you know, I got ran over by a car. But I can't run. Forgot that. I'm glad the cars slowed down.

Every time I go into PT I am sort of stunned by the number of patients there.... There are many old women there with injuries much worse(or recoveries much slower)than my own. I try to be grateful that all things considered I am doing great... and I find myself wondering "how do they manage to get on by themselves? Are they alone?" as I watch some of these women try to move about for an hour of PT. So many of them come into PT alone, as do I, but some of them seem so frail I can't imagine them dealing with their recovery alone.

My physical therapist is so awesome. I was really sad today when I realized that after next week I have to tell them I just can't go anymore but like once a month and I have to do this on my own. Which SUCKS, but I blew threw my FSA account. It's all gone and it's all out of pocket now. These pockets are empty, or otherwise allocated... so I get to turn my basement into a PT clinic. Between there and the gym and the half a brain I have left in my head... I should be able to do this.

So where is the side of eggs? Well let's just say more on that later...

Like sands through the hourglass

2010-09-19T21:05:00.004-04:00

Wow. Nine months later and I have given birth to a new self. Lost about 13 of the 22lbs with my new obsession (spin). I was moving along well towards the goal of 'fortress' until I tore my medial hamstring five weeks ago, doing what? Trying to have fun on water skis.

Today I walked about .60 miles and I am not, at the moment, having any muscle spasms.

Summer flew by. It was hot and dry; green and overgrown; wild and itchy like I had fallen into a patch of poison oak.

I crave the first hard frost.

Fitting Rooms

2010-01-25T20:18:00.003-05:00

So this weekend was mostly good. We had a lovely time out on Friday for my gorgeous wife's birthday. And Saturday we saw an old pal and her adorable baby girl. All good... then came Sunday. I had to go bathing suit shopping.

There really is nothing more self-depricating than standing in a fitting room in your underwear, under the disgusting green-yellow glow of nasty fluorescent lighting. Try to squeeze your fat ass into pieces of clothing that are apparently designed to make you look even worse than you do naked and you have a recipe for a downward spiral of depression. And when that cheery fitting room lady pops in to ask "How you doing?"... it is hard not to scream out "How the hell do you think under this god-forsaken lighting with an ass as big as Montana?"

Ok, so maybe it is not that bad. But I have gained 22 pounds in 2.5 years. As far as I am concerned, I am a disgusting slob, a fraction of former self. And yet I am aware that I have been heavier. Tis true... before I became a body builder I was heavier than I am now. But I was 20 then... 18 years can do a number to your joints, your motivation, your overall sense of "go get 'em". While I have been working out more and taking the stairs, and watching what I eat... I can tell it's not quite enough yet, and I ain't no spring chicken anymore.

Time to put the shoes on and go for my run. Yes I am still sore from yesterday... but when I was 20 I believed in No Pain No Gain. I'm going to give it another whirl.

Wake Up

2010-01-21T21:29:00.003-05:00

So this past week three people I know died. One was a 37 yr old woman I went to high school with. Heart attack. Another was a 57 year old woman I knew from the industry in which I work. Heart attack. And another was the mother of a dear friend... in her 80's and gone to Alzheimer's... it was her time.

I busted a move yesterday and got myself back to working out... taking the stairs at work... taking fish oil.

While that is all good, I can't get out of the funk. I hate the low light level time of year... all I want to do is hibernate and be grouchy.

This is the best worst video ever

2009-07-28T20:46:00.000-04:00

Sunday Mornings

2009-06-14T09:28:00.002-04:00

I love Sundays. I like them even more when Monday is a holiday, but overall I think they are one of the best days of the week. Today should be extra special...brunch and social time with my gay husband. It's beautiful outside today, and life is good.

Random Things

2009-04-25T11:38:00.006-04:00

I don't write that often anymore. Lately I am more content to read or play outside. But today I am sitting outside and writing. While this is in part to avoid doing things I need to do like cut the lawn, I have had a lot of random things on my mind lately too and felt like writing them down.

1) My house is completely haunted. Most everyone who knows me knows this is true, but Wednesday evening I came home to see a new ghost I hadn't seen before. Well, actually I think it was a spirit, or an angel or something- I am not terribly good at telling the difference, but this thing could fly. I thought it was a ghost because it most definitely seemed like a woman in a grey-blue satin dress. I opened the front door and saw her clear as day to my right, but I seemed to startle her and she suddenly and with great speed flew across the mantle place, past my face (coming so close to me I ducked), and into the coat closet where she disappeared. I just stood there in a stunned silence for several minutes, looking around. The house was warm, it felt welcoming, there was no feeling of ill will. As I realized this, I decided there was no reason to panic, and just walked on into the kitchen to bring the dogs up from the basement. Usually they have free reign of the house, but lately I have been asking my wife to put them downstairs to reduce the dirt they track in from playing outside. Anyway, they were very anxious to come upstairs, and ran around the living room as if they were looking for someone they had known was there. They seemed happy about it- not stressed out or fearful- so again I figured there was nothing to worry about.

And in general, I would say there isn't. Whether it is this new ghost, or the mowing man, or the old lady, and even the hateful old man... most of them are realtively harmless. The hateful old man can be a pain in the ass, but this is not The Haunting in Connecticuit. Nonetheless, I feel like there is something they are trying to say, and wonder why they visit so often. And I have come to think that my house is most definitely positioned in a place that is spiritually/energetically/cosmically different- there are cracks if you will- that let in noises, light, and other 'people' from time to time. It is a bit like my house is sitting on platform 9 3/4, and I never know who might pop in.

2) I recently read an abstract on a direct effect of prolactin on osteoblasts published by a lab in Thailand . I followed this lab intently when I was in graduate school as they were one of the few that were doing prolactin and bone work. They used to work almost exclusively with pregnant rat models looking at bone loss in the mother so it wasn't exactly what we were doing in our lab, but they were interesting papers nonetheless. I begged my advisor to talk to them or let me talk to them b/c I figured they probably had done some cell culture work... I couldn't imagine that they weren't trying to look at cellular level work at all. I figured they had the animals, the cells were easy enough to isolate- my guess was they just were not publishing anything. And that was my point- that if they had tried it with as much futility as we had- it would be support for my growing arguement that we were using the WRONG cell model.

But, my advisor refused, and told me to ignore their papers b/c the prolactin levels during pregnancy were a 'completely different question'. When I pushed it telling her I firmly believed we had the wrong cell model and should switch to MC3T3-E1 osteoblasts or another murine line, or human osteosarcoma cell lines, she accused me of being methods driven. When I again told her that no one had been able to show the PRLR on rat calvarial osteoblasts, just murine calvaria, human and rat osteosarcoma cells, and in situ detection in rat tibia and other long bones, she said 'that it not true'. "Show me the literature then", I screamed in a particularly heated weekly meeting behind closed doors in her office alone (always on her terms)... to which she retorted "I did- I found it in Kansas."

"We're not in Kanasas anymore Dorothy" I yelled. It was the beginning of the end. It could never replicate her results from the Kansas lab. I wasn't the only one who couldn't. It didn't matter if it was me or two other lab techs. Not her original primer set or any of the 6 other pairs we tried could show PRLR in that cell model. Even weirder, we couldn't show it in marrow osteoblasts either, which we should have been able to. Low expression could be part of it... let's move to real-time PCR I asked (methods driven she told me).

Instead of walking away that very day when I realized she was too weird to even ask another lab for help... I really lost myself in her craziness. In time I became the lousy student she accused me of being, completely demoralized and convinced I was the stupid one. And no one, not the Director of Graduate Students, not anyone on my committee, would intervene. I did exactly what I vowed back in high school I would NEVER do, to paraphrase the words of the great Mark Twain: I let my schooling interfere with my education.

Many times I miss the lab. I miss the research question I was so deeply interested in and was forced to abandon b/c my advisor refused to change cell models. I wonder sometimes if Dr. The Only One Worth Studying With was right and I should have gone to Wake Forest and "shown that bitch how wrong she is". But just as often as I wonder that, I think the education was exactly what it was supposed to be. Did it change me for the better? Yes, it did. Did it give me skills that I use today? Yes, it did. Did it give me an understanding of crazy people in the workplace and how to avoid getting caught up in their bullshit? Without a doubt- and this is a good skill to have, because although she was by far the most insane person I have ever encountered in a professional setting, these whack jobs are everywhere. Did I meet people along the way that are a critical part of my life now? Yes, I did. Did the challenge of those years make my personal relationships stronger? Yes, all but one, and that one was apparently a mirage anyway. Sometimes the outcome is not at all what you were expecting.

3) So now, my professional life has nothing to do with cell cultures and gene expression. But it is evolving into a more scientific position than I ever imagined. Next week begins the first of two weeks of intensive Global Food Safety and Quality Assurance trainings. My work is becoming a nice mix of product development, packaging & design, food policy, and food science that I am glad my employer is putting me through. Again, I am not at all sure of what the outcome will be, but I am definitely going to enjoy the ride.

4) I love my life, I love my family, I love my wife, I love my friends. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the US, and I am gainfully employed. What more could you ask for in this world?

I've posted this before, but I just love it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MDlMdu2gjw&feature=related

Time Flies...

2009-03-26T21:40:00.003-04:00

when you are having fun. Or so the saying goes. Although it wasn't all fun, 2008 was a good year overall. The toughest was the loss of granny, and then later in the year the stress of pinkslips and the worldwide economic calamity. But we came through the latter completely unscathed - with raises and promotions. So far 2009 looks like it is going to be even better on that front. We miss granny terribly, but I am quite certain she has been looking out for us since she passed on. Next week it will have been a full year... ugh. I know that reality is much more difficult for my sweetest.

I remember that first anniversary of my Mom's passing. It sucked. Now nearly 11 years later, I am finally feeling myself again. Completely life altering losing someone so dear to you... and I try to mindful of the visceral pain of the earlier years of grief that my sweetest and her Mom are going through all over again this week. I try to be mindful of how far away my sweetest seems sometimes knowing where she is, and how asking her to be present really only makes it worse. I remember that circuitous path... It calls so much into question, and that is happening for her now. I feel so much older now... so much wiser. More comfortable in my experiences. Unfortunately I also feel so much fatter... more on that later.

My best bitch from grad school is now officially a doctor. I'm so proud of him and I know his postdoc will be fabulous. We lunched today on fine indian fare... I will miss him more than he knows when he heads north in a few short months. Thankfully, not too far north. Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Good thing we finally bought a new car...

I love that they worked "baloney" into this ad

2008-08-02T14:01:00.001-04:00

It's almost like a SNL skit:

Uber Cool Nerd

2008-08-02T13:55:00.002-04:00

Apparently I rank as Uber Cool Nerd- which is why I get the chicks!

Today's Feature

2008-07-16T22:09:00.005-04:00

I read in the local gay news rag that a 16 year old girl in Reading PA was beaten by her Grandmother (who used her cane to beat the girl) because she walked in on the end of a little afternoon delight she had just had with another girl.

Doesn't Granny realize the harm she's causing?

Can I just shoot this girl's grandmother along with Dick Cheney? Or do I need to rise above my rash and violent reaction as Granny should have?

Vino

2008-07-08T21:04:00.003-04:00

Tonight after work we sent a dear colleague off to a new job by celebrating her tenure with us by drinking to excess at The Press in Greensboro. A fine little wine bar, we had a great time. This is easy to do with $10 a bottle wine specials and a group as diverse and talented as my current group of collegues. Though I dislike things about The Company, I love my collegues. They are a good group. I will miss said collegue tremendously... I selfishly wish that once The Company sells, she will come back to us once we are restructured.

Sleeping in

2008-05-24T14:21:00.003-04:00

At 1:51pm we woke up today. I guess we were tired. Now that I've eaten breakfast, I'm torn between doing something productive or just going back to bed. That was awesome!

Grace

2008-03-29T17:03:00.005-04:00

It has been awhile. Life has been marching on, as it does. Things have been busy, as they are. Work has been demanding, as it is. The weather has been unpredicable, it is spring.

Carmine and her entire family are in Naples... sitting at her grandmother's bedside awaiting her last breath. While it is in many ways a horrible thing to have to do, I am so glad they are all there, and have the chance to do it. Their pastor is their, the whole family is there; one of the nurses got a keyboard brought to the room and Carmine has played everything she can remember- from sonatas, to nocturnes, to showtunes and polkas.

And in these last days, these last hours, I realize even more why I love this family so...

I predict the cheeseheads will decide it

2008-02-14T22:10:00.007-05:00

Obama or Hillary? My support is and has always been for Obama, ever since he first spoke at the DNC years ago. I watched him, I listened, I read about him and said to myself-that is my next president.

But I am not a superdelegate... and it looks like they are going to play a huge role in this. And they will follow Wisconsin. If this very conservative, very Lutheran, very white state goes to Obama- so will the democratic nomination.

Of course, this very conservative, very Lutheran, very white state could be more scared of a black man than they are Hillary. She is very strongly disliked by conservative republicans in WI, and in good Christian fashion, absolutely hated by evangelical Christian republicans in WI. Wisconsin is usually a Blue State... but because of the dicotomy that is the State of Wisconsin, the democrats there should be much more aware that should Hillary win the democratic nomination, then McCain will surely win the White House.

I wish Hillary would realize this, but you know, "it's not easy".

Too soon

2008-01-22T20:04:00.000-05:00

I remember when Kurt Cobain killed himself. I was living with my first serious girlfriend, who was absolutely devasted by the news. I didn't understand the intensity of her reaction at all at the time. And although I am not quite as emotional as my former lover was when Kurt died, I am deeply saddened by Heath Ledger's passing. He will be missed.

Walking with Ghosts

2007-12-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

That's what friends are for

2007-12-07T18:24:00.000-05:00

As I approach my 36th birthday, I am a bundle of mixed emotions. For the most part, I still believe I live a fairly charmed life. Sure, I am at the worst financial place I have ever been in my life. And yes, my former employer with whom I always thought I could count on for fall-back work now thinks I have a cocaine habit. And yes I did breakdown and file for unemployment this week. And no, I can't pay the majority of my bills right now.

Nonetheless, I am grateful for so many things. We still have roof over our heads. My wife is the most amazing woman on the planet. My family, as crazing and annoying as they can be at times, are still mine, we still all love each other, and I am grateful to have some of them so close to me. My dogs, although sometimes little money-pits with legs, are the sweetest and most loving creatures on the Earth, and they constantly remind me what really matters in life. And my friends... well, my friends are amazing. I am so blessed to have so many good, true blue, real friendships. Not just surface-level acquaintences crap, but real good friends you would give a kidney for. (But hey guys, maybe not right now if you can avoid it!)

So this one is for my friends, especially Krafty, Bean, Biff and Gigi, J&J, and Miss Juju.

If it be your will

2007-11-27T09:34:00.001-05:00

Ok God. I give up. I had a fabulous round of interviews before Thanksgiving, but am still waiting to schedule a third that I thought would be scheduled yesterday. I am trying not to be impatient, but in the meantime I have been trying to make ends meet by working for former employer part-time. That was going well before the holiday, except that stupid manager had terminated me instead of put in leave of absence paperwork. So I had to fill out all paperwork again, and take another drug test. So I come home Sunday and call for my schedule, only to learn I am not scheduled because they think I am a cocaine user. @$#!@#$@!%&#!

According to state law, my option is to have the lab retest a portion of the sample that tested positive with GC/MS instead of ELISA. Ok, that would be fine if I had done anything that would have generated a false positive in the first place. Like drink tonic water, take amoxicillin, have diabetes, kidney or liver disease. But unless I am actually sick and don't know it, this is not the case.

The test was an Oral Fluid test, and the oral fluid pad collector stick is not actually labeled with any identifying information. So I am a little concerned that perhaps the lab has my sample mixed up with someone else's. The initial test and a retest goes on your medical record. This is a MAJOR problem. And so now I am asking former supervisors for details on the QC at the testing lab before I submit that sample to a retest... and pointing out that I have at least 5 former drug tests on file with them, all clean. Pointing out that if diabetes causes a false positive for cocaine, then every fat person who applys for a job with them could theoretically be screened out.

I would like to just pay for another test... and if I screen positive for that, then off to the doctor I would go.

Headhunters

2007-11-12T16:56:00.000-05:00

I am very weary of the headhunters that keep contacting me without having completely reviewed my resume. They keep wanting me to interview for jobs that I have a) no background in, or b) no interest in. Those that have reviewed the resume in full want to 'process' it to include things you didn't put on it in the first place because they never happened. Is this the way you have to find a job these days? By letting unscrupulous idiots do your negotiating? There is something very wrong with corporations that have to hire this way.

On a positive note, on to interview stage 2 with potential local employer. Got that all on my own- the way it should be.

Home Sweet Home

2007-11-05T10:24:00.001-05:00

So I have been home just shy of a week now. It is so good to be home. My own bed, complete with lovely wife, aaaahhhhh! And of course my pups- how I have missed them! So far I have unpacked, cleaned, done yard work, cleaned some more, transferred summer to winter closets, etc.

This weekend I got to get out to see the opera- by far GOC's best show yet. A wonderful cast and the orchestra was excellent too. The cast party was also fun... the principles were all great people, although I couldn't decide if the Duke was more entertaining in character or as his flaming queen self! On Saturday I got to see some old friends from graduate school. We met up at the Mushroom and then meandered to my house to empty a big bottle of wine. It was so good to see them. They all look so much better now that they are out (or nearly out) of school and have lives of their own again. Although I do worrying about Flying Mammal, as he is a slave to his job, and that seems to be his whole life. It is wearing on him....

I have some more housework to finish today, and lots of paperwork to do, and am expecting two calls to schedule interviews. That is good news. Let's keep the fingers crossed that they result in job offers (yes plural- b/c choice is a good thing). The evening will end on a high note- because I finally get to see my husband tonight after his pottery class. Yippy!

The Sun Sets on Ocracoke

2007-10-26T10:09:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything of substance. The last few days have been nothing but muggy weather and TONS of rain. Monday is my last day on Ocracoke. I return home to my beautiful city on Tuesday and I cannot wait! I am sick of water. Very sick of sand. And I absolutely despise mosquitos. Thanks to those little bastards I look like I have MRSA or something from the knees down. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, in my own house, with my fabulous wife, and my wonderful dogs. And I get to see my family!

Wow... I feel like I have been here forever. It has been good, but mostly I just want to be home. This has been a trip mostly of necessity for me... and yes I still need the money, as I am returning without a job, but more than ever, my most pressing need is to be at home, and I will make my way from there. Somehow. I was contacted by a headhunter yesterday- he has a job for me in Minnesota, or Texas... good thing I'm not paying him. Hopefully something will give soon at home.

My sea-oats have been sown. I long for the Piedmont, for tall trees, for fall leaves, for splitting wood for the winter. For a raging fire in the fireplace... coco and soon, Christmas carols with friends.

It ain't easy being green

2007-10-16T20:01:00.000-04:00

America's #1 Beach... is mine

2007-09-21T23:09:00.000-04:00

Dancing in September

2007-09-21T21:58:00.000-04:00

Wow. It has been a long time since my last post. Things have been going well... just working away at the beach and enjoying my surroundings. Tropical Storm Gabrielle came and went with little to show for herself but wind and some storm surge.

The night before she hit I got to release turtle hatchlings with the park service. That was a very cool experience. I was really impressed with how quickly the little hatchlings could move, and even more impressed that they all march off to the ocean oblivious to the reality that only 1 in 1000 will survive to adulthood. Off they went, searching for the sea and hoping to hit the Gulf Stream or the Labrador Current. If a female is the lucky one, 25 years from now she will return to this island and lay her eggs, assuming she has had some rough turtle nooky in the ocean. (The ranger said turtle sex was kind of rough...I'm not sure I want to know how they know this.) But will there be enough male turtles to keep the species alive? Cool turtle factoid #3: gender of the hatchlings is dependent on the average temperature of the nest during incubation. Over 80 some degrees and they are all females, under a certain temp. all males, between these two temps you have a mix of males and females. Hmmm... so is global warming influencing the population of sea turtles?
Besides working and going to the beach, I have been applying for jobs online. I went home this week for an interview on Wednesday. I think I will get the job... the offer should come next week. It is not a science job, but it is a pretty nice fit for me, and I will learn some new skills. I'd get to work out of my house, and travel is about 40-50% of my time. Luckily the territory is small, so the travel is almost all local. So we'll see what happens next week. If I get the offer, I will probably take it and go home after Columbus Day weekend. If I don't get the job, I will stay here through October, possibly through November, and continue to look for more permanent work at home. I'm not stressing about it anymore... I am pretty much convinced that everything is happening as it should.

When I am not working or on the beach, I usually go down to the harbor, or into the woods for a hike. The mosquitos have come back with a vengence since the rains though, so I haven't been to the woods since the 9th, the morning of Gabrielle. Take a look:

Blessings

2007-08-29T18:13:00.000-04:00

It was a great evening at the beach yesterday...

I actually saw fish jump out of the water in the shallows as the tide came in.

I ran the beach until I came upon turtle nests I could not cross, and the tide would not let me pass without swimming.

Going back tonight for a bit...

It is cool enough to run in the evening without getting hot. And the water is still very warm. It will be a great fall in North Carolina... my favorite season, and I love it all over this fine state!

Full Moon Rising

2007-08-28T18:36:00.000-04:00

Since I get sunsick, I prefer the beach at night.

The Island Life

2007-08-24T19:05:00.001-04:00

So I made it to the beach... but Mapquest sucks bigtime. My driving directions from home to Swan Quarter were perfect turn-by-turn directions to Cedar Island. Unfortunately I didn't realize this until I saw my first NC Ferry System sign, for Cedar Island... and as I was about 150 miles away from Swan Quarter there was no way I would make the 4pm ferry. Luckily for me Cedar Island had a 6pm ferry and I got on that.

So I got in late my first night, but I got in nonetheless. Then I went to the little camper I am staying in, which seemed cozy enough, until I awoke at 1:00am from Invasion of the Cockroaches. After almost vomiting, crying, and having a general panic attack... I called my wife who gave me some good advice- I grabbed my pillow and ran to the car. There in 98 degree heat, I slept restlessly as the feral cats of the Ocracoke jumped onto and off of my car throughout the night.

The next day I set off a roach bomb and released and entire can of roach killer into various cracks and crevices around the floors, ceiling, etc. At lunch I came back from work to find many bugs in their death throw. I swept up and set off another bomb. After work I opened up all the windows and went and slept at a friends place for the night.... The next day I went back to the camper and washed the floors, the counters, all my linens, etc. and settled in for the night. I am happy to say the only intruders last night were the 'no-see-ems' -- little tiny invisible biting bugs which were happy to invade the camper while I was airing it out. But this was really not too bad, and I think they probably died during the day today,as I closed it all up and turned the AC off. So unless they can survive 100+ degrees for hours on end with nothing to feed on, they should be dead.

Work is good, the beach is beautiful. I prefer the mountains for vacation and the comforts of home, but beggars can't be choosey.

Change is the only constant

2007-08-15T11:48:00.001-04:00

So I am going to the beach next week to work. Seems like the only jobs available to me these days are folding T-shirts and helping tourists spend money on them. This is OK though. What is not terribly OK to me is that this job will pay more than the lab tech job I was offered. What is wrong with the world?

I will be at the beach until at least October 9th... hopefully by the fall some interviews will start happening for the science or sales jobs of my dreams... note to the Universe: my dreams include a fat paycheck.

I am simultaneously excited and sad about going to the beach. The thought of being away from my wife, my dogs, my home, my friends, my family,.... I don't like it. At the same time, the thought of being away from my wife, my dogs, my home, my friends, my family.... I like it. Ugh. I think this is a sure sign I need some time to myself. Maybe I will be able to break free of my Panda Stage while I am there. I will have to, since I will be working. What is the Panda Stage? My current apparent need for 10-13 hours of sleep, after which my waking hours are spent eating. Not bamboo mind you, but I am seriously such a pig lately that I probably could eat bamboo and enjoy it.

I worked out last week. Whoo-hoo. It was a damn week ago! At the time I seemed motivated to keep it up.... The weirdest thing is I don't feel particularly sad or depressed. I am just so fucking tired. How long does it take to make up a sleep debt? http://www.sleepquest.com/d_column_archive6.html

According to this guy, it is just like a financial debt, and it isn't gone until it is all repaid. That being said, I was in school for 5.5 years. For the last 4 years, I got less anywhere from 5 to 7 hours of sleep on average, and for several months at a time (at least two, 3 month stretches) I got about 4 hours a night on average. I would say that I need 8.5 hours of sleep to feel good. So for 42 months, I got on average let's say 6 hours of sleep, a shortfall of 2.5 hours. And for 6 months I got about 4 hours of sleep, a shortfall of 4.5 hours. So I have 1260 days x 2.5 hours, plus 180 days x 4 hours. That is 3150 + 810= 4680 hours of debt. If I could just sleep it all through, it would be about 195 days of constant sleep. But let's say I am going to keep up the Panda stage of at least 12 hours of sleep a night, which I have been doing pretty regularly since July 15th., or about a month. 4680/12= 390- 30= 360.

So I have just about a year left of getting 12 hours of sleep EVERY NIGHT, until I feel normal again. Jesus, that is sad. No wonder most people would rather blame chronic fatigue, or Lyme Disease, or anything else they might be able to treat with drugs. Me? I think I will put some of the blame on the Bad Ozone Days. I have had to hit my inhaler more than I care too during these weeks of heat and haze. The really scary part is that I wasn't doing anything strenuous... and yet I was wheezy and coughing. Again I ask, what is wrong with the world?

Hopefully I will breathe easier here:

Looks like I will need to be in bed by 7-8pm everynight. Yipes!

Check this out

2007-08-13T22:32:00.000-04:00

Things I almost became...

2007-08-10T23:29:00.001-04:00

Blahs

2007-08-03T13:26:00.000-04:00

NY was pretty good. The wedding was beautiful. I like my new niece... she seems perfect for my nephew. Got to visit with friends in Brooklyn, go to the Central Park Zoo, hang with family. Unfortunately my family is still crazy. It is too difficult sometimes to coordinate my family; fights ensued over time-management or lack thereof, over passive-aggressive bullshit.

I enjoyed the visit yet am weary. And I still don't have a job so I feel like a big loser. Off to cut the lawn, I need to do something to make myself useful.

Waiting for the Other Shoe

2007-07-26T09:43:00.000-04:00

I don't feel especially grand today, which is odd considering I am done with school. Thesis approved, all moved out, graduating officially next month. Maybe this is the anticlimatic lethargy people talk about, but I have this strange feeling it is something else, something more. Perhaps I have been reading too much Harry Potter... which is excellent by the way... I want to be reading now and finish it today, but alas I have too much to get done before tomorrow's departure for NY.

Anyway... I have this strange feeling. The Great Oz has been all accommodating this week, odd in itself, but then again Oz wants to see me gone as much as I wanted to leave, so maybe not so strange. I keep having reoccuring dreams or portions of dreams that involve aspects of school... occassional brushes with Oz, standing ten feet or so down the hall from Man Purse, he is silent and turns away quickly- a scene I have come to know as his typical behavior over the last year. Why didn't I recognize that earlier as an indication of a problem? This strange feeling... that something significant is going to shift at school... is this just my feelings of loss and anger surfacing?

I do feel a lot of mixed emotions, especially regarding Man Purse. I oscillate between wanting to kick his ass, feeling betrayed and lied to, and feeling sad about the loss of someone I had considered a friend. This has never happened to me before. I am not the type that loses friends. It is such as strange thing that I simply don't know what to do with it, and I feel so helpless, as if there is nothing that can be done. And there isn't really.... Man Purse made his decisions... he told me recently "I don't think you appreciate the position I was in, it is not as if I couldn't have a job"... and "I just don't think we can work together."

Well clearly we can't be friends either, as he has not maintained either a personal or professional relationship. He ended both, and when I tried to maintain either he would just push me away. So, I guess it is just over. I will never understand what exactly made him think that he could not have a job and be a friend. It seems as though the Great Oz probably threatened his position should he not dish on my shortcomings ... and this was more important to him than our friendship. I know he would say that he tried to explain these things numerous times before, that I left him no choice as I never changed my behavior.

Is that a weakness or a shortcoming? Perhaps it is arrogant of me, but it just got to the point that I realized I was unwilling and unable to mold myself into the puppet Oz needed to reflect her sense of grandure.

Aah. Anyway... today I should contact The Needy Offer. I have not posted much about this, but The Needy Offer is the scientist I interviewed with for a lab job. I thought maybe he was Glinda the Good Witch, but I don't think so. I was offered the job (and it's pathetic rate of pay) as well as an opportunity to come be his Ph.D. student. Initially I was so estatic - I was very excited and wanted to do it. But then I did a little digging. Spoke with former students, current students, former employees. Red flags here and there. Then the warnings from Weasley... to be cautious, that I was a little too burnt out right now he thought... wait until January if I could.

Then I requested advice from Tony the Tiger, who refused to answer direct questions out of a conflict of interest. What the fuck! Another red flag... something was not right about this it seemed.

I do feel a little mixed about declining the offer to come be his student. It is a great opportunity. It is not everyday that one leaves a Ph.D. program after 5.5 years only to be offered a spot in another one, at a more prestigous institution. But in reflecting on it over the last few weeks, and I've decided that he needs me more than I need him. Thus The Needy Offer. I have been told I am the best candidate for the job and for a student slot. His RO1 was awarded in April... little progress has been made on it thus far as far as I can tell.

I am too exhausted to start school again on August 7th. I've spent the whole summer writing, defending, revising. I was just officially signed off on this week for God's sake! As the start date comes closer and closer, I get less and less excited about it. Nauseated even. This is not the way to start a program, especially one that will have as much pressure as this would undoubtedly have. Ugh. I feel a little mixed because I am dealing with the feelings of letting people down a little in admitting I don't want this. And of course that makes me ask myself how much my fatigue, and the continued beatings under Oz has to do with it, or if I just don't want it, didn't want it.,..and so were my beatings under Oz justified? Is that the other shoe?

Ugh. I don't really know what I want anymore. I may be going away after I return from NY... to the island for the rest of the season... to be alone, to work, to hopefully to find myself again.

Go forth on your path, as it exists only through your walking.

Celebrating my Independence Early

2007-06-30T09:28:00.000-04:00

I passed. The oral was a surreal journey. My committee members asked me no hard questions. They imparted lots of wisdom. They referred to me as their child. They told me to live long and prosper. They took a few stabs at the Great Oz.

Some written revisions are needed to the final thesis. I was going to start those today, but I have other plans...

Who wouldn't want to go take the GRE again two days post-defense? It's a long story that will soon be posted... but I have been rescued by Glinda. And there is no place like home.

This makes me laugh

2007-06-30T09:26:00.000-04:00

i am the bunny... and this cracks me up

Angst

2007-06-20T16:22:00.000-04:00

Thesis approved for defense in a week. Yeah. And ugh. And oh... why such anxiety? Perhaps its that today I just feel like this was a gigantic expensive distraction from my long term goals. Ugh. Barf.

Job search extended

2007-06-18T12:49:00.001-04:00

It has been a rough time since the last post. The thesis went through various revisions before the Great Oz would even accept it. Even now, I am not entirely sure it was accepted...haven't heard back since Friday mornings submission. Lack of sleep makes me ill. Vomiting after staying up all night is no fun.

So I had a wonderful interview for a super cool academic research position. Unfortunately it pays very little. Nearly $20K less than what I made prior graduate school. Ugh. But I would do it for a few years I think... the PI is amazing. The interivew was a surreal 3.5 hour journey through his work, my graduate experience, my weaknesses, his desire for me to have a Ph.D. because he thought I deserved one... that was nice. He said from where he sat he thought I did not receive enough of the right kind of guidance.... Anyway, I think I could learn a lot in the position, and it is a great position really. A rare opportunity. I should hear within another week or so.

I also applied for several other academic jobs- project management jobs. Haven't had any interivew for those yet...

And more industry jobs... it would be nice to get an interview industry. I am starting to feel a little desparate... like this changing career idea was completely stupid. I got my last paycheck from the University last week.

Yipes.

Beating the Monster

2007-06-06T11:00:00.001-04:00

Accepting Donations

2007-06-06T10:13:00.000-04:00

When it rains it pours. Last evening, after driving into campus to attend a workshop that I really didn't need to attend, my good car decided to act up. as I rounded the corner to leave school, it suddenly sounded like I had run over a bicycle and decided to drag it home. The check engine light came on, the engine shook. I got out and looked under the car- nothing was there.
I made it to the mechanic which is just a few blocks from campus...but the bad news is it is still there... and he thinks it could be a costly repair. I should hear from him later today.

So I am reading while I await that call, and I am still waiting on the plumbers to show up this morning! They have yet to arrive to fix the main drain line in the house. A most costly repair...
Ugh.

I am accepting donations from anyone in the Universe feeling generous. Any contributions must bet a donation, not a loan. I am maxed out on loans. Ok... I realize I probably won't get any, but I thought I'd put it out there anyway.

New Beginnings

2007-06-05T12:25:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow I have an interview for a lab tech position. It is a very cool position... but I am not sure I will be able to stomach the work (lots of animal work). We will see how things go tomorrow at the facility. Keep your fingers crossed that my cookies stay in place.

It is written

2007-05-29T22:11:00.000-04:00

It's a red letter day! I emerge from thesis writing hell relatively unscathed. Tonight I am just putting the page numbers in on the table of contents page. So, it's done for the most part... at least until Oz slashes it to shreds. Oz gets it on Thursday morning. I get it back a week later, which leaves me one week to make all revisions Oz might deem necessary.

Skippy Goes Outside

2007-05-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

Skippity do da, skippity day... my oh my what a wonderful day!

It's all Detroit Today

2007-05-23T11:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, even though the Wings lost to the stupid Ducks and won't be advancing in the playoffs, I still feel all Detroit. As such, today I mostly disagree with my last post. Today I am NOT longing to remember the good in the Great Oz, because really I don't think there is any.

To remember it is to create it, and I honestly think that there are some big drawbacks to 'creating our own reality'. Right now I just want to call a spade a spade... Oz is a big, ugly person. Inside and out.

Right now, I wish it was October 30 and I was in Detroit. Yeah... Devils Night. That city knows how to party! (and get rid of crackhouses all in one fell swoop)

Role Models, Politics, Religion, Psychosis...

2007-05-18T08:58:00.000-04:00

Disillusioned. Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? I'm no historian, but I find it interesting that Truman appears to be so popular now. During his presidency I thought he was very unpopular and seen as stubborn and wrong in Korea. Since this was well before my time, I rely on what I have read which of course are the interpretations of others (some of whom may have not lived through his presidency?). Oh damn, again I am wishing I could talk to Mom or Dad, or my Uncle, who fought in Korea.

I am also no Bush supporter but I find it interesting that the article draws fairly weak parallels with W. What time will tell.

Mostly I bring this up because it's got me thinking about how we all appear to seek role models whether we are conscious of it or not. Unfortunately we seek these role models in other people, who eventaully fail us in one way or another. I think that is inevitable, as we all have our own opinions of what is right. These opinions change of course with time... emotions calm and we tend to remember the good in people.

I'm longing for the day that my emotions calm and I can remember the good in The Great Oz. Will it ever come? The day when the mere thought of needing to check my school email doesn't inspire an episode of irritable bowel syndrome.

I've also realized that I find myself in prayer more often when I am disillusioned with my human role models. I'm not sure this makes me a believer, but I realize how appealing faith becomes in times of human failure. I have always felt respect and admiration for Christ. He set the best examples of any I have read about... does that make me a believer? No, not according to most. Nonetheless, I post this tribute to the big JC. This one is just like one I remember from my childhood...

For my nephew

2007-05-15T12:01:00.000-04:00

I'm truly not procrastinating at the moment. I got a lot done this morning. I'm taking a break.

So my nephew has just graduated from college and is seriously considering doing a Ph.D. in linguistics... or neurology... or the neurology of language or something like that. I don't want to discourage him at all...in fact I think he is cut out for being a great Academician. I just want him to learn from my mistakes. And if he is at all on the fence about it, I want to say: HEY, just get your masters first!

So I have attached here a few things I think he needs to read. The first read is something I stumbled upon relatively recently, and wow did it resonate with me. I've pasted it in here for all to read, including myself when I need a reminder that my apathy is apparently part of this process. But I especially want my nephew to read it.

Monday, July 3, 2006
When Bad Things Happen to Good Postdocs By Lincoln Webber
Copyright© 2006 by The Chronicle of Higher Education

Career advice for scientists
I clearly remember the moment I heard that I had won my first research grant. I was a long shot for the award and had overcome many obstacles to apply. I expected my postdoctoral supervisor would be happy. He told me the news in his office. We both sat there, grinning at each other.

Then he added, still grinning, "But I don't think you deserve it." My grin inverted. Had I heard correctly? My supervisor, hereafter referred to as "Darth," then proceeded to reveal how he felt that I was not working hard enough, thinking hard enough, or learning his rules for success. When I asked him to give me an example of what he meant, he didn't. I should have accepted the grant and promptly fired him once the paperwork cleared. I didn't, and I lived to regret that decision.

How could I have ended up in a situation like this? On paper, my position looked amazing. I was in a famous institution, working with a rising star and building an innovative project. I had plenty of data and an external fellowship. I had generated several manuscripts and was gearing up to submit them to top journals.
In the course of my weekly meetings with Darth, which often included his research coordinator, I was "diagnosed" as defensive, paranoid, negative, pompous, arrogant, secretive, scheming, learning disordered, and finally, virtually unemployable. He often threatened to fire me, despite the fact that he did not pay my salary and I technically did not work for him. He never once offered me constructive criticism, advice, or encouragement. I could see straight through his tyrannical, narcissistic diatribes. He knew that and it made it worse for me.

The verbal abuse was one thing, but a more destructive trend had started to emerge. He was sitting on my manuscripts. He would tell me I could not attend meetings in my own institution, or give invited talks about my research. He frustrated nearly every attempt I made at original science and wasted my time on side projects for people he wanted to impress. Instead of encouraging collaboration with other scientists, he stated that my duty was to troll his "database" for potential projects, at the rate of one project a week.

Why did I put up with it for so long?
Three reasons: (1) I tried to rationalize the verbal abuse as separate from actions that would impair my career development. (2) The abuse was so outlandish and childish that it was hard to accept that it was actually happening. (3) He paid the material costs of my research. Without that, I could not pay for the cutting-edge technique I was using. He had me by the purse strings. But the day he accused me of stealing a manuscript that his assistant admitted she had misplaced, was the day I took stock and realized that I had to leave.

The abuse had taken a terrible toll. I was no longer myself. I felt hunted. I was becoming some of the things he accused me of: distrustful, negative, hypervigilant, and defensive. A homunculus of Darth had inserted itself in my thoughts. Anger constantly crackled in my veins like background radiation. I felt panicky all the time. I took a day off and put together a plan.

I went to my co-supervisor; a down-to-earth senior scientist at another institution who listened patiently as the story came gushing out and offered to help me find a new supervisor. Bolstered, I went to another colleague who knew about the politics at my institution. I spilled the story again. He looked at me and said, "You are the first person to sit in my office and tell me this about Darth -- and not burst into tears."

I mustered support. A manager in the institution helped me secure a new office. A former postdoc told me about the misery she went through with Darth before finally fleeing. She also told me who in the institution I could trust.
The more I investigated, the more I heard that Darth had a history of mistreating students in his lab. Some former lab members had even secured other positions without letters of reference from him. That led me to believe that I needed powerful support if I was going to get out of this and have any hope of a career in my field. Darth had a lot of power, and as far as I could tell, he wielded it with impunity. Stealthy work it was, but I finally identified the person I should talk to first. I was lucky enough to have my own version of Dante's Virgil, the first friend I made at my institution. He helped me navigate out of this Inferno. He got me facetime with an administrator who listened with compassion and, once I had finished, immediately called the vice president, who agreed to see me confidentially.
The vice president listened quietly to my tale. When I was finished, he asked me if I had a Plan B. I stated that I did. He asked me why I did not simply change my supervisor. I told him that the material costs of my research were borne by Darth. He told me he would pay them. Case closed. Then he told me that he would assign someone to mediate the separation, to make sure it went well.

It was over: the constant abuse, the predatory harassment, the constant threat of conflict. At least, that is what I thought. In many ways, it was just the intermission of a long opera. I called and made an appointment with the assigned mediator, Darth's immediate boss. Darth found out. He hauled one of my closest friends in the lab into his office, and demanded that she tell him exactly what I had been up to. She did.

Then I received an e-mail from a former labmate saying that Darth had called her up and demanded that she tell him what I was up to. To her credit she did not, and begged that I keep her out of this. She feared Darth's reprisal if he knew she spoke ill of him. I actually felt empowered by those developments. There was blood in the water, and it wasn't mine. I met with the mediator and gave a shorter version of my story citing several of the worst incidents of abuse. Shortly thereafter, Darth offered up a long, magnanimous e-mail as a separation agreement. He offered support during my transition and agreed to all of my terms. I would be able to use his database and he promised he would not withdraw his participation in grants that were under review.

A year later, Darth had managed to claw back just about every item he offered in that letter. He even demanded the rights to the data I collected. If I am lucky, I will receive one authorship from all the work I did in that lab.
In the end, despite being stripped of most of what I accomplished in that lab, I am grateful that I made it out of there, and got my life, my optimism, and my drive back. They did not spring back undamaged, however. For the first three months after the separation, I was gripped by a severe apathy.

Then there was the issue of my former colleagues in Darth's laboratory. We had always got along. Some of us were friends and hung out together on weekends. After I left, none of them even acknowledged that anything had happened. They just ignored the situation and interacted with me in the same chipper manner they always had.
With a change of scenery, the support of my new supervisor, and, finally, a new position in my institution with supportive mentors and the freedom to develop my own projects, I feel like I am rehabilitated. I am glad that I went through this -- if only to end up here.

What did I learn that may be of use to others?
Lesson No. 1: No news is not good news. Investigate your prospective supervisor and if you hear nothing of substance, suspect that perhaps people are clamming up about his lack of people skills. Look elsewhere for a mentor.

Lesson No. 2: Don't think that being flexible and agreeable will help you deal with bullies. That just stokes them. Working harder does not make things better. Make preparations to leave.

Lesson No. 3: Know that bullies fear exposure. Their entire self-image is based on how their chosen mirrors treat them. That also means that they have deeply ingratiated themselves with anyone with power.

Lesson No. 4: Don't drink the Kool-Aid. Don't let them convince you, either explicitly or implicitly to keep silent. Make sure that you tell as many people as possible what is going on. Seek out the people who don't like or respect your supervisor, and see if they can help.

Finally, realize that you may not win, no matter how just your cause. Fight the good fight as long as possible, in order to rebuild your social capital, then move on.

As postdocs, we are exposed. We enjoy, in most cases, neither the rights of a student nor the privileges of an employee. We have to depend on the kindness of veritable strangers. The best advice I received during this whole terrible drama was from a friend, a former Jesuit brother who lives and works in one of the poorest, most stressed places on the planet. He pulled my story out of me over a few beers and a curry one evening, and he admonished me for putting up with the abuse. "What you are doing is just meditating on the train tracks!" he said. It took me a while to realize I was not tied to the tracks like a damsel in distress. I had a choice. I am glad that I took his advice and jumped.
Lincoln Webber is the pseudonym of a Ph.D. in the sciences at a major research institution.

The second thing my nephew should take a loot at is this blog:
http://radio.weblogs.com/0147021/2006/07/18.html

Stuff and things

2007-05-15T09:19:00.000-04:00

Oh how I hate writing. Except this distracting writing on my blog. Oh Lord help me to finish this shit and get me out of thesis writing hell!

Mother's Day

2007-05-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

There isn’t really a day that goes by that I don’t think of my Mom. Although it will be 8 years this October she died, I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call her. Or better, hop on a plane and fly home as a surprise (I only got to do that once). I would give just about anything to have coffee in the morning with my Mom, especially now, at this time in my life. Somehow I imagine her sort of just shaking her head, taking a long draw on her cigarette, and saying something like…

“Well, wherever you go, there you are.”

I used to think that was annoying advice… it didn’t make any sense to me at the time. Now I realize that it is true. In my lifetime I’d like to learn to recognize this truth as it happens, which requires that I truly ‘be'. Had I be able to do that, I would have realized the shit-hole I was in long ago, and stopped trying to dress it up as something better than a shit-hole.

The other thing I find myself thinking about lately is how the Ivory Tower creates safe hiding places for socially-inept over-educated children that masquerade as responsible adults. I can’t believe that I ever wanted to be an academician. They aren't all like this of course, but that enviroment is teaming with social idiots. Maybe I'm just a bitch...

I remember when I announced my resignation from my job to my some of my business collegues… one of them said,

“You’ve got to be kidding!? I can’t imagine you in Academia… you are too practical and experience-based to enjoy that. I think you will hate it.”

I didn’t take her comment seriously, in part because I had known this person for less than a year and few interactions with her. I also didn't know why she thought academia was neither practical nor experience-based. But I didn't ask for any more clarification... I just pressed on with my plan.

I can’t say that I hated it in total, but much of it. I've hated even more than just the drama that has been the Great Oz, although I wonder if I would my outlook would be different without the Oz. Nontheless, one of Oz’s justified criticisms of me is that I am interested in too many things… that I can't focus.

So how did I get seduced to spend tens of thousands of dollars pursuing a Ph.D…only to decide in the end that I could not, would not, continue the pursuit? I remember clearly standing in the hall discussing this pursuit initially with one of my committee members... I said, "I don't know... I have about a 4 year limit on most things. I'm not sure I could stick it out." At other times over the years, this same committee member would ask how things were going, and I'd admit they sucked and I was bored. This was during the years of fruitless pet projects of Oz's of course... my most recent research has not been boring.

Again I ask, how did I get seduced to spend tens of thousands of dollars pursuing a Ph.D…only to decide in the end that I could not, would not, continue the pursuit? I could have started my own business instead, and probably would have been better off.

I guess that collegue was spot on - I am experienced-based. Mom was spot on… wherever you go, there you are.

Everything I do is judged, I mostly get it wrong, but oh well
Because the bathroom mirror has not budged,
and the woman who lives there can tell
The truth from the stuff that they say
She looks me in the eye and says “Would you prefer the easy way?
No, well okay then, don’t cry….”

I wonder if everything I do, I do instead
of something I want to do more
The question fills my head
I know there’s no Grand Plan here
This is just the way it goes
When everything else seems unclear
At least I know

I do it for the joy it brings
'cause I am a joyful girl
'cause the world owes me nothing
And we owe each other the world
I do it because it is the least I can do
I do it 'cause I learned if from you
And I do it just because I want to
I want to
I just want to

-Ani DiFranco “Joyful Girl”

Been there, done that

2007-05-11T01:24:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my rantings. I recently decided that getting my Ph.D. was not worth the one more day spent with my abusive, self-loathing, narcissistic advisor (hereafter referred to as the Great Oz). Now I am just writing up my data for my thesis and cutting my losses. But the good news is I have a bit more breathing room to remember who I am and what I enjoy in life.

This page is an exercise in rediscovering just how amazing I am… as Maria would say:
“I’m so charming, oh so charming, it’s alarming how charming I feel…”

I hope you enjoy my journey, and if you don’t… I don’t really care. I am sick of trying to please other people. That’s what happens to crazy scientific minds!