Mother's Day

There isn’t really a day that goes by that I don’t think of my Mom. Although it will be 8 years this October she died, I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call her. Or better, hop on a plane and fly home as a surprise (I only got to do that once). I would give just about anything to have coffee in the morning with my Mom, especially now, at this time in my life. Somehow I imagine her sort of just shaking her head, taking a long draw on her cigarette, and saying something like…

“Well, wherever you go, there you are.”

I used to think that was annoying advice… it didn’t make any sense to me at the time. Now I realize that it is true. In my lifetime I’d like to learn to recognize this truth as it happens, which requires that I truly ‘be'. Had I be able to do that, I would have realized the shit-hole I was in long ago, and stopped trying to dress it up as something better than a shit-hole.

The other thing I find myself thinking about lately is how the Ivory Tower creates safe hiding places for socially-inept over-educated children that masquerade as responsible adults. I can’t believe that I ever wanted to be an academician. They aren't all like this of course, but that enviroment is teaming with social idiots. Maybe I'm just a bitch...

I remember when I announced my resignation from my job to my some of my business collegues… one of them said,

“You’ve got to be kidding!? I can’t imagine you in Academia… you are too practical and experience-based to enjoy that. I think you will hate it.”

I didn’t take her comment seriously, in part because I had known this person for less than a year and few interactions with her. I also didn't know why she thought academia was neither practical nor experience-based. But I didn't ask for any more clarification... I just pressed on with my plan.

I can’t say that I hated it in total, but much of it. I've hated even more than just the drama that has been the Great Oz, although I wonder if I would my outlook would be different without the Oz. Nontheless, one of Oz’s justified criticisms of me is that I am interested in too many things… that I can't focus.

So how did I get seduced to spend tens of thousands of dollars pursuing a Ph.D…only to decide in the end that I could not, would not, continue the pursuit? I remember clearly standing in the hall discussing this pursuit initially with one of my committee members... I said, "I don't know... I have about a 4 year limit on most things. I'm not sure I could stick it out." At other times over the years, this same committee member would ask how things were going, and I'd admit they sucked and I was bored. This was during the years of fruitless pet projects of Oz's of course... my most recent research has not been boring.

Again I ask, how did I get seduced to spend tens of thousands of dollars pursuing a Ph.D…only to decide in the end that I could not, would not, continue the pursuit? I could have started my own business instead, and probably would have been better off.

I guess that collegue was spot on - I am experienced-based. Mom was spot on… wherever you go, there you are.


Everything I do is judged, I mostly get it wrong, but oh well
Because the bathroom mirror has not budged,
and the woman who lives there can tell
The truth from the stuff that they say
She looks me in the eye and says “Would you prefer the easy way?
No, well okay then, don’t cry….”

I wonder if everything I do, I do instead
of something I want to do more
The question fills my head
I know there’s no Grand Plan here
This is just the way it goes
When everything else seems unclear
At least I know

I do it for the joy it brings
'cause I am a joyful girl
'cause the world owes me nothing
And we owe each other the world
I do it because it is the least I can do
I do it 'cause I learned if from you
And I do it just because I want to
I want to
I just want to

-Ani DiFranco “Joyful Girl”